In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
