If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
