My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
