meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
