I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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