First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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