Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
