Your face is a jimmy john
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
