I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
