never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
