I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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