i just wanna soil my oats bro
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
