Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
