Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Randomize
