You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
