I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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