I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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