last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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