Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
