Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
