it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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