Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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