can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
