rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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