The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
