How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
time to smoke my breakfast
i just made my gag reflex go away.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
