God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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