Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
