Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
