tequila makes me forget i have legs
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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