I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Duck Duck Cougar?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
