Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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