I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
