My underwear smells like fireworks.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
