Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
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