I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
