saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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