Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
