I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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