in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Randomize
