I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
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