Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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