Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
