you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
