Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
as a side note pls kill me
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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