Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
