i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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