Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
A+ Viking dick
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
