you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
