just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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