Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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