my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
